God, Love Me Merry Gentlemen

I have a seasonal addiction. I’d like for it to be mulled wine, or at least mince pies, but it isn’t. Over the past two weeks I must have watched about twenty made-for-tv Christmas movies. Most were probably made by Hallmark, and all of them make me want to hurl my mug of coffee at the TV. I don’t know why I do it to myself, but I just can’t break the cycle.

Ultimately, it’s a pointless addiction, because once you’ve seen one such movie, you’ve seen them all: beautiful, despondent, single woman gets swept off her feet by handsome, misunderstood, underappreciated suitor amidst falling snow, twinkling fairy lights, and charity work. Typically this occurs with a helping hand from the friendly, neighbourhood Santa who clearly missed his calling running an online dating agency.

I am exactly the demographic these movies are aimed at. I know this. I am savvy enough to understand that I am being sucked into a fantasy world of white knights on steeds, sporting impossibly chiselled jaw-lines, but there is still, somehow, a tiny glow worm inside me which hopes there’s some speck of truth underneath the fake snow and saccharine smiles. I think I have even, quietly, under my breath (though only the dog can hear me), asked Santa to send me a boyfriend for Christmas. It’s a heady emotional mix of feeling pathetic and frustrated and hopeful and inspired. The only thing keeping my TV clean of caffeine is the seed Disney planted as a child. Many modern feminists criticise Disney for their portrayal of unrealistic expectations and outdated relationship dynamics. I might cover that debate at a later date, but, for now, Disney and Hallmark are the only reason I remain optimistic in the cruel and challenging cataclysm I have found online dating to be.

I heard on the radio this morning that, statistically, singletons are more likely to be asked out at this time of year than any other. I can’t imagine anyone spent much time or money working that one out. It’s a difficult time of year to be single. Christmas is all about families and loved ones. It’s made a million times more magical when children are around. Those of us without partners and / or children are reminded by every toy advert, every odd-numbered seating plan, and yes, every cheesy TV movie, that we do not fit the holiday mould.

Consequently, I have definitely logged into my online dating profile more regularly this month. And by more regularly this month, I mean once or twice every hour or so. Ok. Even that’s a massive underestimate. I even (shame of all shames) signed up to a second online dating site in desperation. Ugh. I disgust myself.

But it’s true that I’ve had more dates this month than any other. Some of them have had chiselled chins. But none have turned up on a horse. Yet. Somehow I still live in hope. It is Christmas after all, and there’s magic in the air.