It's a Dog's Life
It’s official. My dog has a more active sex life than me.
I have no idea if it’s related to spring, or the fact that he’s just reached middle-age, but he’s got into the habit of getting his lipstick out and humping every other dog we meet. Only ‘every other’ dog because he doesn’t seem to be interested in females. Not even when they’re in heat. Nope. But a male who shows the slightest interest in playing incites about 15 minutes of frolicking around the park followed by a bout of overexcitement on Charlie’s part and a series of random gyrations.
Random because they don’t seem to be aimed with any particular accuracy. Charlie will side-mount, go at it face to face, or just thrust close by in the hope that the object of his affection will take the hint and join in. The typical mounting stance is rare, and usually only an accident. Either he’s erotically inept, or he’s conducting research for the canine Karma Sutra. I suspect the former.
Most of the dogs don’t seem to mind nearly as much as I do. So, while I pray for the ground to swallow me up whilst simultaneously trying desperately to grab the collar of my horny hound, the two will take great pleasure in cavorting around me, making a mockery of my efforts to restrain Sir Humps-a-lot.
The other owners don’t seem too bothered either. The other week, while I wrestled to gain control of Charlie during one particularly rampant session with a black lab (his ‘type’ it would seem), the lab’s owner calmly fed a fruit pot to her young daughter in the pushchair and exclaimed that most dogs seemed to react the same way around ‘Vader’. Well Charlie certainly didn’t need any help turning to the Dark Side. I fear that the poor child is scarred for life. I am.
I even asked the vet about it this week. “Is it a particular season? Is it his age? Should I be concerned?” And do you know what she did? She dropped to her knees and grabbed his testicles. Yup, even at the vet’s he managed to get some action.
Apparently there’s nothing I should be concerned about. Whilst I appreciate the vet’s educated opinion, I beg to differ. I am beyond concerned that Charlie’s love life, though perhaps rather more promiscuous than I’d like, is leaps and bounds ahead of my own. Literal leaps and bounds.
I’m not quite sure I should follow his example and suggest playful frolicking with every man I meet, but I wouldn’t mind a little cavorting of my own - with the right man of course. I definitely think I’m more of a Hans Solo fan than Darth Vader, or Luke Skywalker for that matter. Though as long as he’s accomplished with the use of his lightsaber I won’t complain…
As far as reining in Dog Juan goes, I have my work cut out for me: the force is strong with this one.